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Like, seriously?

Want more from Catie? Read her take on the one annoying thing that all relatives do.

Catie Wilkins breaks down four questions that parents can do without...


1. ‘Why are you carrying her coat? It’s a bit cold. Shouldn’t you put that on her?’
Why is any parent ever carrying a child’s coat? Obviously the child is refusing to wear it. You are a stranger and so I don’t need to get into how we’re going through a combative phase at the moment, I’m trying to pick my battles and we’re nearly home anyway. Go ahead, call Childline. I’ll call Parentline. By which I mean, hit the gin at 7.01pm.

2. ‘Would she like a lollipop?’
Yes. So get it the hell out of her sight please. I have checked with every dentist and paediatrician on earth (prove I haven’t) and it turns out sugar is bad for teeth and has no nutritional value. I’ve got the rest of her childhood to cave into sugary treats for an easy life, let me just enjoy the next few months before she learns the word ‘Haribo’ and I am consigned to hating myself. It’s so mean is it? Kids like a little treat now and then? Well, it’s none of your business and she has some low-sugar biscuits at home. Go ahead, call Childline. I’ll call Parentline. By which I mean gin, yada yada.

3. ‘Oh dear. Is someone tired?’
Yes. I am. Oh you mean her? What gave it away? Was it the meltdown in Zara that people have gathered to watch? I mean, sure, 10 points to you, she did refuse to nap today. Lucky you were here really.

4. ‘Maybe try being firmer?’
Look everyone in Zara just BACK OFF, OK? For all you know I wanted her to scratch my face as I bundled her back into the pram. Maybe that’s how we…learn when it’s time to cut her nails? (Prove it isn’t). But anyway, I am firm. She’s never even tried a lollipop for crying out loud. High-five my skills. Or call Parentline. Or pass me the gin.

Want more from Catie? Read her take on the one annoying that all relatives do.