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Source: Wendy Van Santen

Lucie Cave has the ideas, now we just need the technology...

Lucie Cave has some great tech ideas for new parents

‘It went everywhere, I’m sorry, I didn't know what else to do…’

I have just got back from the gym drinking wine. My husband Ben has been at home looking after our eight-month-old son Ridley who is now lying naked in a pile of shredded material and looks like the Incredible Hulk (a poo-stained version).

‘He shat everywhere and I needed to get his clothes off quickly so I just cut him out of them,’ Ben shrugs, quickly shoving a pair of kitchen scissors back in the drawer. ‘There was no saving that outfit anyway – it’d be stained for life and you’d end up trying to disguise the poo marks by telling people he’d had a spray tan.’

He paused then sighed for dramatic effect – ‘Someone needs to invent something to deal with this shit’.

Of course he’s not the first parent to ponder why there isn’t a magical machine that cleans plop from every nook and fanny – if only they could just do it themselves like this clever canine…

There are already inventions aplenty that claim to make parenting a bit easier, calmer, and less awkward. Whoever came up with the snot sucker might have been laughed out of the marketing meeting at first, but I don't know anyone with a newborn who wouldn't would rather use a tube than put actual-mouth-to-nose to clear their offspring’s mucussy mess. And while the ‘baby clothes mop’ is a genius creation it’s probably not all that fair to have your kid sliding around the kitchen in three-day-old spaghetti Bolognese or crawling by the loo cleaning up dad’s ‘overspill’.

Then there’s the buggy that can actually walk itself… it’s reported that Volkswagen designed it with the same adaptive cruise control and collision sensors used in a Golf, so the stroller can stop itself short of an obstacle or even follow you around as you walk in front of it (probably not safe but who cares when you’ve got your hands free for lattes and new clothes!).

When I did a quick survey of some parent mates of mine, one said, ‘A placenta that morphed into a nanny would be useful’ while another told me they desperately craved ‘a wine that doesn't give you a hangover the next day’. And of course the list goes on…

Problem 1: You and your partner can’t stop bickering about who’s more tired

Solution: The Sleep Sleuth – A sleep polygraph machine slotted under the mattress to measure who’s really had more zzzz’s in the night


Problem 2: You can’t agree who’s turn it is to feed the baby, empty the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, change the nappy, or generally keep your child alive and amused

Solution: Chore Equalizer – A watch that calculates who has actually done what around the house and zaps the wrist of whoever’s turn it is next. Shazam!


Problem 3: Your child has separation anxiety and screams whenever you leave the room to go for a piss.

Solution: The Parent Hologram – It beams onto the wall of wherever you’re not, fooling your child into thinking you’re still there gazing lovingly at them (if it really works, you might even get away with going on holiday).


Problem 4: Smelly runny stinky poo

Solution: The Glitter-Shitter – A perfumed capsule administered to your child every day to ensure their little bum presents are always an aromatic shiny delight.


Problem 5: Baby is always covered in some sort of gunk and it takes hours and lots of protesting to remove with baby wipes.

Solution: The Baby Express Wash – Essentially a car wash for babies. Stick ‘em in and they roll out all shiny and new (waxing is optional).


Problem 6: Your kid won’t eat their greens.

Solution: The Veg-Azzle – A kitchen contraption which does the following: veg goes in all plain and healthy and unappealing; veg comes out covered in hundreds and thousands. Ta-dah!


Problem 7: People keep giving you evil looks when you’re breastfeeding in public.

Solution: Boobs That Bite – A device strapped to your bra that detects when someone is looking in their direction and deals out a wealth of witty insults to put them in their place.


Problem 8: You can never be bothered to change out of your pyjamas but there’s always something you need at the shop.

Solution: The Sleepsmart – Fabric is made of magnetic material and an LCD display. At the touch of a button an electrical current is fed through the cloth, which instantly alters your once baggy pyjamas into a pre-programmed tailored fit with the LCD displaying ‘a tuxedo’ on to your body in seconds.


Problem 9: Until your child can talk you haven’t a clue what their screams mean.

Solution: The Child Translator – They think it's a toy but when they stick it in their mouth it tells you in perfectly-formed English exactly what they are thinking and trying to say (probably ‘get me out of this high chair it smells of old banana’).


Problem 10: Your baby constantly wants to bounce off sofas, beds and anything hazardous.

Solution: The Bouncing Baby Bodysuit – Basically an indestructible outfit made of bubble wrap.


Problem 11: You’re just out of hospital with a newborn and you’ve already had 80 family members threatening to come round.

Solution: Simple – Turn your phone off and disconnect the doorbell.


And if you still haven’t found a solution to your problem then don’t worry because look at this - bacon-flavoured milk powder. Just what every baby needs*. Oink.

*Not really.


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