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Because sometimes other people just put it better...

​The funniest parenting quotes from the funniest parents

  1. ‘You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby…’ – Jim Gaffigan
  2. ‘When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.’ - Erma Bombeck
  3. ‘The biggest thing I remember was that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.’ - Paul Reiser
  4. ‘If you've never been hated by your child, you've never been a parent.’ - Bette Davis
  5. ‘In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child's parent or grandparent.’ - Don Marquis
  6. ‘Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.’ – Ray Romano.
  7. ‘If you like people who do stupid shit all the time, become a parent.’ - Kelly Oxford
  8. ‘I want to have kids while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.’ - Rita Rudner
  9. ‘Before I got married I had six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories.’ - John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
  10. ‘Before I had kids I used to be so selfish. I used to shower, like, every day.’ - Maryellen Hooper
  11. ‘The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable’ - Lane Olinghouse
  12. ‘Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.’ – Amy Poehler
  13. ‘People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.’ - Leo J Burke
  14. ‘Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.’ - Michael Levine
  15. ‘Any truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes.’ - Russell Lynes
  16. ‘The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.’ - Calvin Trillin
  17. ‘We spend the first 12 months of our children's' lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.’ - Phyllis Diller
  18. ‘In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.’ - Erma Bombeck
  19. ‘Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids.’ - Sam Levenson
  20. By the time I realised my parents were right, I had kids that didn't believe me.’ - Hussein Nishah
  21. ‘It'd be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.’ - Stephanie McMaster
  22. ‘If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says 'keep away from children'.’ - Susan Savannah