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NEW PARENTING SLANG: A GLOSSARY

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'Toilet biscuits', 'The Circle of Neglect' and 41 other terms used by modern parents

  1. Bedtime Stories = When you need to spend an hour watching Instagram Stories to relax yourself after a stressful bedtime
  2. Beer o’ clock = Four hours after your kids wake you up, no matter what time that is
  3. Box settling = When you stick your kids in front of Netflix/kids' TV to relax them before bed
  4. Breeders' Digest = The short-form version of events for busy, tired people eg 'Can you give me the Breeders' Digest of that?'
  5. Bus wanker = The person who stands in the bit for buggies and wheelchairs
  6. Busy child = Polite way of referring to a child who won’t sit still eg ‘Your little one is busy, isn’t she?
  7. Carcolepsy = When your baby nods off the second you switch on the engine
  8. Carmageddon = Being trapped in the car with tired, hungry children
  9. Cesspool = The ball pool you plonk your kid into, despite knowing no one’s ever cleaned the bottom
  10. Circle of Neglect = Jumperoo
  11. Clean eating = When you serve Ella's Kitchen straight from pouch to mouth
  12. Cork = Dummy/pacifier
  13. Crap cradle = The baby bouncer, when your baby needs a bit of turbulence in order to poop
  14. Dadtronising = Adverts/books/items which assume dads are all bumbling idiots who shouldn’t be trusted with scissors, let alone a baby
  15. Digital babysitter = iPad
  16. Fashionably late = When you turn up not only late, but also sporting baby sick or another bodily fluid somewhere about your person
  17. God squad = The godparents. Belief in God is not normally a requirement
  18. Grannoying = When one of the grandparents gets judgy with you (see also: Grannouncement)
  19. Grannouncement = When one of the grandparents makes an annoying statement, subtly aimed at you eg ‘We weaned all our babies at four months and they were fine’
  20. Granvy = When you think your kid prefers your folks to you (see also: Nanvy)
  21. Hangry = When the baby needs a milk fix and needs it yesterday
  22. Hands-free = The baby sling eg ‘Shall we take him out in the pram or the hands-free’
  23. Hygge = The kids are watching Frozen, you’re scrolling through Facebook
  24. Hygge snigger = When you see gorgeous interiors on Pinterest and wonder if they have kids
  25. Lie-in = When your kid lets you sleep till 6.30am
  26. Mama = Same as a mum, only wearing red lipstick and a slogan jumper
  27. Mum bun = Zero-effort hairstyle passed off as a fashion choice
  28. Mummy's medicine = Prosecco
  29. Musical beds = The very un-fun game you play at night when members of the family swap between rooms, beds and floors
  30. Nanvy = When you think your kid prefers the nanny to you (see also: Granvy)
  31. Nepootism = When you don't actually mind the smell of your own baby's nappies
  32. Poo catchers = Pants, especially during potty-training season
  33. Poonami = When the baby shits so furiously it fills the nappy and beyond (also referred to as ‘poomageddon’ and ‘poo-cano’)
  34. Pram-tan =  Not a happy holiday tan, but one adquired from pounding the pavements with a buggy, trying to get the baby to sleep
  35. Pramtivists = People who turn up to political protests with their babies and children
  36. Rebel sympathiser = People who shoot sympathetic looks towards your children when they’re playing up in public
  37. Road trip = When you take your baby or kid out in the car just to get them to sleep/entertain them for a few minutes
  38. Russian poo-lette = When you stick your finger inside a nappy to check whether it needs changing
  39. Shut-up sticks = Lollipops
  40. Snot-sucker = Nasal aspirator
  41. Third boob = Bottle
  42. Toilet biscuits = The biscuits you have to eat in the loo so your kids can't see you and call you out for hypocrisy
  43. Yawn tennis = When parents compete over who is the most tired

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