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THE A-Z OF THE FERTILITY BLUES

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From Anticipation to Zita West, and back again. By Anniki Sommerville.

A is for Anticipation and the fact that this month might actually be the month that you get pregnant! Like it might actually REALLY happen!

B is for Babies. Everywhere. Ditto bumps. Stencilled onto your brain each day. Twins. Triplets. Babies colliding into your eyeballs over and over and over and over.

C is for Crap. The best word to describe infertility. It’s desperate, dark, distressing and CRAP.

D is for Dangerous. Behaviours leading up to the day your period arrives range from innocuous acts such as burning the toast and then hurling it across the kitchen to more outwardly aggressive behaviour such as texting your partner the words - ‘OUR RELATIONSHIP IS FINISHED!’ and then having to ring and apologise ten minutes later. Most often caused by a surplus of hormones (if in the midst of fertility treatment).

E is for Easy. You’re keenly aware that this is how it should be.

F is for Fertility. A word you never really thought about but is now the only thing dominating your waking moments.

G is for Google. The devil for all lonely, sleepless, harried brains. Google says that eating pineapple, orange vegetables and Chinese herbs is the answer. Google says a forty-nine-year-old woman conceived naturally after fourteen rounds of IVF. Google shouts that acupuncture is the solution. Or mindfulness. And just let it happen. You fall asleep with the whisper- ‘Just let it happen,’ still on your lips.

H is for Happiness which is always just around the corner.

I is for IVF miracle stories. Everyone has a friend who had IVF seventeen times but had twins on the eighteenth attempt. Or stopped and got pregnant without trying. Maybe you should just let it happen they say. Sometimes you wonder where are the people for whom it never worked? Where are those stories?  

J is for juicer. This sees a lot of action.

K is for Kismet. Damn kismet.   

L is for Love. Gets you out of bed each day.

M is for Mean. God is a MEAN person who hates you and you wish he’d trip over that big, long, grey power-beard and hurt himself PRETTY BADLY. Do you hear that God? It’s PAY-BACK TIME? Okay? Do I sound angry? Sorry.

N is for Netflix. We all just need to switch off and stop thinking.  

O is for Ovaries. They won’t play ball. Why?

P is for Period. It’s like one of the people you keep bumping into but really don’t want to stop and talk to. One of those people that you wish you’d not see for a few months (9 months at least).

Q is for Queen. As in… ‘I am the Queen of Infertility. What do you do?’

R is for Relaxation. Apparently, this is why people don’t get pregnant. They’re not relaxed enough and it’s just a case of relaxing more and not thinking about it. Relax okay? CAN YOU PLEASE RELAX AND IT’LL JUST HAPPEN OKAY?

S is for Sex. Not always the most enjoyable activity as it has to happen at specific times and in specific ways.

T is for Temperature. If you take your temperature you can identify your most fertile days. If you think this method works then good luck to you.

U is of Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh. Repeat ad infinitum.

V is for Vagina. A tired vagina that is.

W is for Womb. Ditto

X is…X-cited? Is it happening for REAL?

Y is for Yikes! It is happening. Period’s late. Boobs swollen. Thank you, grey-beard God person. Thank you, Google. Netflix. Thank you, Ovaries. Thank you, sex. Thank you universe. Oh no…hang on...maybe not.

Z is for Zita West. Apparently, her supplements are the solution and not all the other stuff you read about. Google Zita. The journey starts up once more with Anticipation again.

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