THE REAL REASON NEW MOTHERS WILL ENJOY CHRISTMAS
Catie Wilkins salutes the Previously Pregnant
Writer Catie Wilkins on the joy of Christmas cheese and booze after you've been pregnant
Christmas is coming and the geese are getting fat. I mean, getting to the optimum side of their BMI ratio. (Which is how they’re supposed to look). They’ve had babies dammit. Cut them some slack, you pig.
But more importantly, the Previously Pregnant everywhere get to eat CHEESE and drink BOOZE. Let me say that again. I don’t think you can appreciate the magnitude of that statement unless you have previously been forced to spend a Christmas forgoing those two things. CHEESE. And BOOZE.
People say to me, ‘Oh you must be really looking forward to Christmas this year. Be so much fun with a baby.’ And yes, it will be. But mainly because that baby is now OUTSIDE of my fabulously accommodating, extendable-hostess body.
She doesn’t even know who Santa is yet. I mean, sure, I’ll probably dress her up in an elf costume or whatever, and that will be so awesome I’ll definitely post it on FB. But still not as awesome as gin and tonic, champagne, wine, and then port with CHEESE. Plus Baileys. I’d forgotten about Baileys.
My family became ‘gentrified’ at some point after I left home. (‘Gentrified’ meaning they sometimes talk about the theatre and have got a bit spendy on cheese). They waited for me to get pregnant and then suddenly decided to get ‘special cheese for Christmas’ from a place called La Fromagerie which is basically heaven for cheese fans and a slap in the face for people on listeria watch.
What I’m saying is, never again will I have to spend Christmas saying, ‘Oh does that cheese go really well with that red wine? I’ll try and enjoy my one glass and drink it really slowly. No, this safely-pasteurised cheddar is great. Thanks. No I’m not bothered about trying the guerrier or Stilton anyway. Stop sounding like you’re climaxing, you wankers, it’s JUST CHEESE!’
I mean obviously unless I get pregnant again.