THE REALLY ANNOYING THING ALL RELATIVES DO
A short, one-act play by Catie Wilkins
(NB – In the following short play, ‘Auntie Sue’ is a fictitious creation who bares no resemblance to any persons living or dead, but is a metaphor for EVERYONE).
INT. BOAT ON THE THAMES – DAY
A happy and well-meaning family gathers round their newest addition, a sleeping one-year-old baby.
AUNTIE SUE: (too loud) She's so CUTE! I just want to EAT her!
Sue grabs a foot and squeezes, the baby stirs.
ME: Careful, I need her to sleep a bit long-
AUNTIE SUE: (even louder) Oh look! She's waking up! Hello gorgeous! Are you AWAKE?
ME: I think she might have slept another 20 minutes if you hadn't -
AUNTIE SUE: Can I have a cuddle? Would you like a cuddle with your Auntie Sue?
ME: Actually I’d leave her in the pram for a bit. There's still another 40 minutes left of this journey, and it's just easier if -
Sue unbuckles the pram.
AUNTIE SUE: Yes, that's right, come to your Auntie Sue for a cuddle.
ME: She's just woken up so she might be a bit –
AUNTIE SUE: Don't worry, I'll hold her. Give you a break.
Sue picks up the baby. The baby starts crying and reaches for me. Sue hands her over.
AUNTIE SUE: I think she’s teething.
MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: AAAARRRGGHHH! I HAD A BREAK! I HAD A SLEEPING BABY THAT YOU WOKE UP! THEN I HAD A LOW MAINTENANCE BABY THAT WAS HAPPY IN HER PRAM. THEN YOU PICKED HER UP AND NOW I HAVE EXTRA HARD-CORE CHILDCARE FOR THE NEXT 40 MINUTES! NOW SHE HAS TASTED FREEDOM IF I TRY TO PUT HER BACK IN THE PRAM SHE WILL CRY. YOU HAVE CREATED EXTRA WORK FOR ME! EXTRA! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG MY DAY IS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT STARTED? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
ME: Yes probably. Thanks Auntie Sue, good spot.