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WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE A MISCARRIAGE

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Amy Swales shares her story

What does it feel like to have a miscarriage? Amy Swales discusses how she felt physically and emotionally...

You look at each other with lopsided smiles

You’ve seen two blue lines and everything’s changed

You download apps and laugh wide-eyed about nothing

You wait impatiently for the 12-week scan

You go to the loo and there’s a spot of brown blood

You feel like you’ve been punched in the chest

You believe the A&E doctor, who says it might be fine

You say 'Oh' a day later, when the EPAU nurse says it’s not

You knew it could happen, but you still feel burnt

You don’t want anyone to know you’re trying yet

You don’t want anyone watching your drinks

You don’t want anyone to advise or judge

So you don’t tell anyone

And you keep going

You suggest a cheer-up holiday

You wake up one morning to New York, New York

You see he’s holding a tea in one hand and tickets in the other

You see two blue lines

You see a heartbeat at the six-week scan

You tell all the parents and plan how you’ll tell everyone else

You go to New York

You have a day’s grace

You don’t see a heartbeat at the ER scan

You tell all the parents

You don’t tell everyone else

You have two days before the family planning clinic can see you

You go up Rockefeller and take pictures you’ll never look at again

You think of the scan and are suddenly terrified of the foetus coming out

You frantically google whether you might pass it, see it, know what it is

Your body answers the question the very next morning

You flush it down the toilet

You tell the family planning nurse but you don’t think she hears

You see an empty sac on the scan

You’re told it’s too big to pass naturally

You’re sent to an abortion clinic

You’re told to stop crying or they can’t put you under

You feel silly asking whether the first orgasm after it will hurt 

You don't ask (and you're scared, but it doesn't)

You get home and put all the baby stuff in the loft

You tell everyone New York just wasn’t your kind of city

And you keep going

You see two blue lines

You wait for the blood on the tissue

You interrupt the A&E doctors with answers before they ask the questions

You hide maternity wear in a corner of the wardrobe

You go back to work too early

You spend a week breaking down outside the office

You go for dinner with pregnant friends and cry on the bus home

You cry on buses a lot

You cry a lot full stop

You feel like you’re being punched repeatedly in the back of the head

You go public

And you keep going

You see two blue lines

You see a heartbeat

You know it means nothing

You don’t see a heartbeat

You try and have a dramatic moment on the sofa but the dog licks you all over your face and runs around like a moron

You answer the door to flowers and cards, books and a box of cheese

And you keep going

You see two blue lines

You say you’re not allowed to be excited

You’re forcibly danced around the room until you can’t stop laughing

You hold onto it for a week

You’re not surprised

You’re never surprised

But you’ll be OK

You’ll be OK

Keep going.

:: To find out more about Babyloss Awareness Week 2016, and to find out about where you can get help and support, see the Miscarriage Association website.

:: For more information about causes of miscarriage and what happens during and after a miscarriage, please see the NHS website.

:: Please note that TantrumXYZ is a parenting site, and links to our other content and shop items may be triggering.

Comments

Sarah Brown
So well written and very similar to what we went through. We had three sets of blue lines, three heartbeats at 6 weeks and three miscarriages before finally having a succesful pregnancy. The hardest thing was to keep going while also not telling anyone. It's amazing how much having even just one person to talk to can help. I sincerely hope your next set of blue lines are the ones that stick. xx