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WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHEN THEY GET PREGNANT

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Catie Wilkins says a kind-yet-sarcastic approach is the way to go...

There seem to be two main camps of advice waiting to greet pregnant people:

The first is roughly, ‘OMG congratulations! This is so wonderful! Everything is going to be wonderful from now until forever. Your life will definitely resemble the cutest cuddling bears on greetings cards!’

The second is more or less, ‘Pah. Good luck. Your life is over! Hope you’ve enjoyed sleep because you can kiss that goodbye. And you’ll never have sex again. And your vagina will explode. Don’t whatever you do google episiotomy. God it’s awful, kids are so draining, we row all the time now.’

Everyone wants either to set pregnant people up for a fail with tales of how overly happy they’re meant to be; or else scare them out of their wits before they’ve even started.

What everyone needs is a kind-but-sarcastic person to set things straight. 

The truth is of course somewhere in the middle, but nearer the first camp. What everyone needs is a kind-but-sarcastic person to set things straight. Parents-to-be need to hear that it will be mainly brilliant, but not all the time because that’s not how anything works. And don’t worry, because the bits that are shit will be funny later when you tell them to other people.

I submit the below for ‘realistic’ celebration card consideration.

1. ‘OMG you’re pregnant! Congratulations! In just a few short months your child will run over your foot in the walker while being forced to watch you poo. It’s such a magical time.’

2. ‘OMG you’re pregnant! Congratulations! In just a few short months you will be wine-shamed on a play date by some posh, miserable women. To be fair you will be in a children’s library, and it will be hard to tell the story in a way that gets you sympathy. It’s such a magical time.’

3. ‘OMG you’re pregnant! Congratulations! In just a few short months you will go to Sainsbury’s in your pajamas, with a baby strapped to you; and instead of any embarrassment you will feel ridiculously proud that you (a) left the house, and (b) are procuring sustenance like a winner. It’s such a magical time.’

 

:: What other alternative greetings should parents-to-be be given? Let us know below. Who knows? We could turn these into actual greetings cards…

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